A Genesis

"OMG, he's soo cute."

2010-02-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

Too often have I heard fellow women ask the question, “do guys talk with their friends about us the way we talk about guys with our friends?” This common question posed a challenge for me: one of digging deep into the true message of that question. My answer: Women want to know if guys get that giddy feeling, if they look for us everywhere they go when they aren’t with us, if they check their phones constantly hoping that their ridiculous anxiety for the call or text will somehow will the person on the other end to remember about the promised contact, if they replay those special moments in their heads, if they felt their arm tingle on the exact place it was touched, if they changed their outfit/look a billion times before the date, if they are awe struck by us, if we consume their thoughts...

We want to know they think like us. We want to know if they value us too. We want to know they are sensitive to the details. We want to know they are emotionally invested too. Bottom line: We want to know they want us.
This is far too true for, I feel, a vast majority of the female population.

Now, what is it guys want? From what I have heard, they desire a girl who isn’t clingy, they want someone who isn’t too serious too soon, they want a fun girl, they want a girl who is relaxed about her appearance- not so hung up on the nitty gritty details, they want a girl to hint at her interest but not play all of her cards at once, they desire mystery, they don’t want someone overbearing, they don’t want pressure...

They want to know they have freedom. They want to be able to spend their time on other things as well. They want simplicity but someone that will make them perplexed at the same time. They want to have fun before getting serious.
This is also true, I have observed, with many men.

I realize these two sides and I have known them for a while. I, like many young women, have often tried to mold to these qualities I have observed that guys want, despite the girly tendencies that beat at my insides and desire release. I am sure guys, too, have tried to be more sensitive, more attentive, or more emotional even despite their innate feeling of how worthless and tedious it feels. It seems as though, in desperation, both sides force the change and try to fit a mold either too big or too small for them.

Tonight, I viewed these two sides in a new light. It occurred to me that each side wants the other to become more like them. Girls want guys to be girly. Guys want girls to be more like a guy. A key element to attraction between groups of people is how similar the two parties are. We generally make friends based on how similar they are to us. We mainly choose a church based on how similar the views held there are to our own. We like to shop at stores that best reflect our own idea of style. This idea boils down to the basic human principle of egotism- we like ourselves. In applying this egotism to relationships, we prefer those we are interested in to have similar qualities, or tendencies as we do.

This was a crazy thing to think about for me. When I thought about it further, I realized that it is in this idea where attraction happens. When a woman becomes more like a man, he likes her. When she becomes relaxed that makes him feel comfortable (as if he were with his buddies), when she is funny that makes him feel he can crack a joke and she will enjoy it, when she is not clingy he has to work to see her which taps into his subconscious male instinct to pursue, when she is bold and outgoing he feels as though he doesn’t have to treat her like a delicate flower and constantly keep himself in check. On the other end of the pendulum, when a man becomes more like a woman, she likes him. When he becomes emotional she is not scared to be emotional too or constantly check up on herself being “such a girl”, when he is sensitive she feels cared for and valued, when he initiates spending time together and reciprocates emotional involvement she feels more willing to be vulnerable.

In these findings I site two problems:
1) Egotism. We base what the opposite sex wants off of what we would want which isn't always what they want! Girls think guys want to be affirmed, want to know they are valued, want consistent contact, and want to be together one-on-one. Guys think that girls want space, they think she doesn’t want to be bothered by consistent calls, and they think she would rather be with her girlfriends. And so each side acts accordingly. In reality, each side is acting how they want to be treated!
2) When the two parties realize what the other party wants, they force fitting the mold rather than fitting it naturally.

I posit attraction happens when each party, reciprocally, becomes what the other party wants naturally. When a guy is so attracted to a girl that he starts acting more emotional because he is sensitive to her comfort and needs, this attracts the woman. When a girl continues to make herself a priority and doesn't play all of her cards at once, this catches his attention!

When we find this happening to us, this is a good indicator of interest. From this stems compatibility. And also from this idea, if we are like the other sex in some ways, then when we are like our own sex, it is more accepted and understood by the other.

I see this evidenced a bit in scripture when God's word tells of how when man and woman are married they are joined as one not two separate entities. In this, there is the joining of two points of view, two sets of desires, two patterns of relating... and when they are joined each is understood because they are no longer of themselves. I guess what I am trying to say is that part of attraction and relationship is when a man becomes a woman and a woman becomes a man.

Stay Classy, San Diego.

2009-10-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

What has happened to the day when it was normative for a man to open the door for a woman, stand up when she entered the room, or bow in her presence as she curtsies in return? What has happened in society that has dimmed chivalry and lessened the value of dating and relationships? Why does it seem as though few people strive for propriety and carrying themselves in a respectable manner?

From my perspective, I see many sides to this, among the many that impact modern day chivalry. Women, on the one hand, have, indeed, become less respectable, encouraging foul behavior from young men. In the home, young men and women aren't taught propriety and decency as was done previous. And the media does no help in teaching young men and women self-restraint and decency but makes an industry out of scandal and trashy behavior. Does all this mean that we shall simply allow ourselves to become sloppy, disrespectful, and grotesque? Let the downward slope continue to pull us towards animalistic behavior?

In my lifetime, I have yet to be formally asked out on a date in person (without indirect facebook/messenger/myspace communication), without being guilt tripped if I say no, and in a direct, respectful manner. The worst part is, I am most likely not alone in this. Is this okay? I can't say how it bothers me to hear of a young couple expressing feelings, "getting to know each other", or talking about dating via text, facebook, chat, or by any other mode of communication that allows the two to say things without seeing the other or actually having direct contact. I will admit that I have been a part of this and this is why I hold such an adversity towards it. That kind of communication, I've realized, is not special to me at all nor do I see it as special period. Sending a text, writing a facebook message, talking on chat- those things are all easy. They don't take tons of time or energy nor are they creative. When was the last time a young man and young woman exchanged hand written notes? I surely have not seen it nor heard of it. Now those say something. I vote that technology is taken out of the dating equation. I think that would make things so much better. Not easier necessarily- but more meaningful.

My favorite romance movies would have to be the old-timey ones: The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, etc. Why? Because there was propriety, chivalry, direct, confident expression of feelings, and a sense of respect. Now I understand that those movies are an interpretation of what happened back then and there was often much myoptic thought and action as well as shady affairs but the general feel is that propriety and decency were much more of a focal point back then.

I know I am not the only young lady claiming those romance movies to be favorites. So young women, bring back decency. Present yourself appropriately-If you think the shirt might be too low or the skirt too high, it probably is, respect yourself, understand that trashy will only take you so far and usually to the same place. Value the power of being lady-like, save yourself for that special young man that deserves you, respect the efforts of young men to dote on you but don’t throw yourself at them, realize your talents and put them forth towards meaningful causes, avoid gossip at all costs, set an example for your friends and maintain accountability with them, maintain composure even in stressful or provoking situations, and simply know yourself and be confident in you. And young gentlemen heed my advice and bring back chivalry. Tell her how you feel in person, open the door for her (yes, even the car door), pull out her chair and help her take off her coat, let her know how beautiful she is, respect her in all ways possible, be kind and gentle, follow through when you give your word, be aware and sensitive to her feelings, set an example for other young men and keep each other accountable, wait for the one special young woman so she may have all of you not just remnants of you, belay pride and do what you know deep down is right.

Young gentlemen and young ladies, lets make dating and relationships meaningful and classy. Go against the norm, in a good way, and be old-timey. Take value in direct conversation, in respect for yourself and the other, in taking things slow, and in placing more value on what dating and relationships are.

Here's to being classy.

Sometimes I hate my ever wondering mind.

2009-09-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

Can I please stop thinking about relationships? I feel like it is a requirement for the brain to constantly have relationships, the opposite sex, and love bobbing around in it if one is single. It’s annoying! Why must I desire intimacy, care, love, and someone who sees me for who I am from a man? What happened to “I don’t need a man” “No one should complete you but you” and “Be whole before you become the other half”. Extremely cliché, might I add, but agreeable. In spite of all of these adages, I still feel like I need (or at least want) a man, I desire he who would cure this occasional loneliness, and I feel that the aching, persistently known place will continue to throb without him. “The resolution is sweeter after difficulty”. Okay, it’s difficult! Now where is the resolution?

I am tired of bitching about this, taxed by feeling hopeless thinking no relationship will come, and annoyed by being unable to be thoroughly, through and through happy for friends who are in amazing relationships without having the slightest wisp of jealousy and envy for what they have. I want to be happy with life right now, be it with or without a guy. I want to forget about focusing on a relationship and remember what beautiful friendships I have; be able to admire the unique people around me, get to know them, and have fun!

No more dressing up in the hopes a guy will notice me. No more feeling less beautiful if I don’t wear makeup. No more caring about putting up a front or being overly poised in front of guys. No more chasing, no more sky high hopes, no more relishing stupid moments. Can I really do this? I want to dress up because I want to and like the outfit. I want to embrace and love myself for who I am. I want more of being myself; more learning from life and paying more attention to it; more investing in friendships; more focus on what I have rather than what I don’t- the blessings I have been given rather than the prayers that are yet unanswered.

Aren’t there better things to pray for? Why am I so concerned about relationships, men, what have you, when children are praying for a meal to fill their stomachs for at least one fourth of the upcoming day; when they are praying for their little brother not to die of a common cold when they can't afford the remedy; when couples are praying that their relationship holds on; when children are praying that their mommy doesn’t go unconscious this time when daddy hits her; when people are loosing their jobs and wondering how they will scrape by; when parents are praying that the lab results tell them their four year old doesn’t have cancer? If so much more is going on the world, why the hell am I bitching? Because it means something to me? No, because I am an egocentric, self-fulfilling human. Looking out for my own needs; inflating my concerns; forgetting the plight of others that far exceed my own; being selfish. I am human. I forget that I have such a narrow perspective, I strive for that companionship, I want to be accepted. Am I alone in this? Please tell me I am not.

I'm a big girl now.

2009-08-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how time seems to fly by.

At the beginning of the summer- and for the rest of it- I wished I was back at school. The day I got back home I felt I should be at school. I was ready all this time. It is six days now until I move into my dorm and get back on AU campus and I feel as though I have no time down here to close things off, say my goodbyes, or cherish my family as I should. But this whole summer I waited for this time and now I wish I would have made even more of the time in between then and now. They always say never to wish things away and I guess that's somewhat of what I did. Now, I will credit myself with doing the best in my circumstance- this summer was not what I expected and not as horrible as maybe I am portraying- but I know I could have done a bit more. Even though, I suppose that is life. Learning from each new experience.

This time right here and now makes me think. This summer at home is probably the last time I will live in this home, in my own room the way it is, for more than three weeks, at most, at a time. I really won't live here anymore. After I leave in five days, my room will be used for someone else. No longer mine. I will call this my home because my family is here but I will no longer be able to come back to this place and throw my stuff down in my room, collapse on my bed and enjoy my home. From a few days from now, I will stay at my house like any of our guests would. It's a weird concept to think about. My next room will probably be my own when I buy an apartment or move into a house. How old will I be then? I've just been thinking about this. Each stage in life is different and new.

Over this summer, I have thought a lot about the earlier times in my life. I reminisce on times when my sister and I would jump into bed at eight so we would have time to hear a bed time story before falling asleep at nine, or when my dad would bring me a "surprise package" of apples and cheese before I would go to sleep, or when my favorite movies were all on VHS and all made by Disney, or when dressing up meant my best pair of sweat pants, my favorite soccer shirt and my hair in a less messy pony tail. This summer made me think back on those stages, fun times, and quirky memories and made me love my childhood. Then, I thought about how these times I am living in now and the memories I am creating at this moment will be ones I reminisce on later. I wonder who I will be ten years from now looking at the young woman I am at nineteen. What I will think of who I am now and the things I do. Time is ridiculous, unfathomable, and constantly perplexing.

I guess all of this past and future talk is me making a note to myself to enjoy the present. I am going to squeeze all I can out of these next few days at home- love and cherish my family, enjoy and have fun with friends, make the best of time off before school, and live life. I am growing up. It's a funny thing to come face to face with. But here I am. On the brink of tons of new things. Ready for the next adventure.

Beyond Regret and Confusion

2009-07-21T16:29:00.000-07:00

I have never been a wildly outspoken person. I struggle with the choice of speaking my mind or thinking about what might spill out of my mouth first. I am an introvert and a passive person so quick retorts/ witticisms/ thoughts/ words are rarely my forte. I am a thinker and a ponderer... things take time to process. This has, I felt for a while, been one of my downfalls- something I didn't like about myself. I wished I could be quicker to reveal to a costumer how small of a problem it was that their coffee had two sugars instead of three; I wish I would be quicker to speak the perfect words to help a friend in need; I wish I had the first answer to the controversial question in liberal arts class; I wish I knew what to say when confronted about my faith... but I don't operate that way.

A lot of the time I wish I would be more honest with myself, I wish I would say what I felt, and wish I would just follow my instincts. My fear of doing these things elevates especially with those whom I care for. I hate hurting others but my dishonesty with myself, inability to go with my instincts, perpetual habit of shrugging things off, and unmoving lips run me to unintentionally hurt others anyways... the words I yearn to say to that person come too late and after being long bottled up.

But that is the way things have happened. I cannot turn back the time nor change what is engraved forever in history. Part of me regrets the turn of things, but another part does not. I have come to embrace my slow, pondering ways. Where would things be if I spoke rashly? Quickly? In reaction? It was when I asked myself these questions that I came to cherish my cool head and contemplative mind. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I knew that things could have been a lot worse if I were to loose my head as well. I did the right thing.

I will say again, I don’t like keeping unsaid things in. I don’t like that I didn’t speak on other matters in better time. I don’t like that the communication slackened. However, I vow not to live in regret because I would rather not be pulled down by it.

I have learned a lot in the past month or so. I have learned many things about relationship, about hurt and about myself. I have learned that humans don’t want to hear things that they don’t want to hear- they become deaf to the undesirable words the instant they hit their ears, denial their best friend. I have come to understand that in hard times, humans cling to the things they believe will help them survive even if, to the outside eye, these things are detrimental to the person. I have learned that hurt people don’t want to hurt and, thus, will hurt others so as not to do so alone. I have learned that the love of parents is something more valuable than any earthly prize or treasure- an unparalleled force, and an irreplaceable element in life, able to make or break it. The power of outward affection from a parent to a child is the lifeline for that child’s emotional stability in life. I learned that people’s adult relationships most often mirror relationships in their family or their relationships with their family.

I came to realize that I close my eyes to certain things. I understand that I should no longer bottle up emotion. I know now the beauty of open communication and honest relationships. I understand what I will allow myself to endure and what I choose not to. I have gained discernment for what comments are true and what I know to be cutting but empty words hiding another’s underlying lack of confidence. I have gained a confidence in myself and know that I am not what the world defines me as but that I am my own being- created by none but that which is the creator of all, fashioned only by his hand, and living under no other’s.

It saddens my heart whenever life throws complexity, hardship, or a disconnect from something that was a part of it. But out of hardship, and out of sadness life gives experience, wisdom and new understanding. With every new obstacle in life I am becoming anew, the person I am meant to be. I never wished for this to happen but feel like I wouldn’t be complete without what it taught me. I know that my frustration and trial have not passed in vain. Where one relationship passes new ones will blossom. I delight in my regained confidence, newfound knowledge, and the hope for a bright future. Thank you, father.

Nerds

2009-05-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

There were always different classifications of kids in grade school. There was the popular crowd with the latest, coolest stuff, clad in the flashiest gear- well liked by teachers but scornfully envied by fellow students. Then, there were the rebelious, edgy kids- the stereotypical rock listening, head banging, pierced, black-clad students. In the middle were the every bodies, nothing special but not especially nothing. Finally, the nerdy crowd; the honor roll kids, those that passed every test no matter how hard or impossible it seemed. These kids were amazing at school but, typically, had few or no friends.

I always wondered, in elementary, middle, and high school about the nerds. I mean, they got perfect grades and I envied that so much. I felt a green monster creep into my mind every time I did poorly on a test and the straight A student next to me had a huge grin on their face at the paper in their hand. Granted, I was a social youth so the amount of effort put into studying or paying full attention in class wasn’t tip-top but I did do a good portion of preparing. However, I never could bring myself to devote all of my time after school to just do homework or study. There was too much fun to be had! Nevertheless, I always wondered what it would be like to get that A every time, and how gratifying it would be. Because of this last semester, I know what that is like. The sweetness of reward for hard work, jumping up and down because you did well, proudly revealing the good grades to your parents; I’ve done all of that and it was good… for a week.

The last month of second semester, my classes became my life. Those I saw were either in class, at lunch/dinner, passing by in the valley, or in the library. Music my only companion, I slaved to expand my brain even further in my work and studies. Oh, but the grades and merit did I reap. A victorious end to a rigorous semester. Merely a freshman in two upper classmen courses and six other normal level ones. I credit myself with pulling through somewhat unscathed. But oh, the victory is tainted. For joy cannot shine to its full when blemished by a sliver of the shadow cast by regret.

I feel for those nerdy kids I encountered in grade school because now I know what it is like. You know, maybe they are fine with loosing social time to get the grade, maybe that is what brings them life, being stuck to their books, but for me, it diminished life. It made me think, more than anything (no pun intended) about priority. When I was in the final weeks of school I learned a lot about priority. I learned that I should stay off facebook for a weeks at a time because otherwise I wouldn’t get what was important done. I learned that I should grab dinner on the go in order to eat it in the library so I could start on a paper at the same time. I learned that senior send-off, the speedway races, and other end-of- the-year activities were out of the question as long as I still had six finals and two papers in the following seven days.

Now, I have learned that you never get life back. You never get your freshman year of college back. You cannot turn back time and retake those moments you missed out on. You cannot joke about funny moments that you weren’t a part of. You can’t reminisce on events you didn’t go to. You cannot grow friendships if you didn’t put the time you "didn’t have" into them.

I know I won’t fondly muse about the hours I spent in the library, the days I practically saw no one, or the number of dinners and lunches I spent alone in a library cubicle. And in forethought, will I love the times I stay late at work, missing time with my husband, possibly kids? When will I ever love missing a soccer game? A school function? A music show? A birthday? An anniversary? I won’t. But too often in today’s world do people pull this stunt. I don’t want to live to work; I just want to work so I can live. It’s like waking up, feeling as though you have wasted or missed half of the day…. I woke up when I got home and felt as though I missed half of my freshman year.

Relationship has always been so important to me. I thrive on it. Without it I know I would cease to exist. This last semester, the second of my freshman year, has taught me many a thing but mainly this: one cannot hold themselves from company for community is what we all desire and need. The want for acceptance is universal and once accepted and loved, anything can go wrong but those who care for us can always hold us up. We need not support ourselves forever and rely on our own efforts to push us through for we are blessed with God’s gifts called friends, on earth for us to love and be loved by.

We all need love and I have learned that I shall not starve myself or others of it. For in the end it is what will carry me- not money or grades, material or earthly things. For these shall all perish. But that which cannot be torn, broken, diminished, forgotten, or effaced endures and that is the love of and care for those close to our hearts.

The Picture Painted on Silence

2009-05-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

Music--one most powerful force in my life. I am moved by it unexplainably. Is it the dissonance in the chords and their resolution that stirs me? Is it the dynamics? The climactic, inspiring moment? The moving changing phrases? A combination of the aforementioned that arouses my senses? The latter I believe to be so. Music is conceived not by a single mouth, horn, string, key, or bell but an entire, full masterpiece is crafted with no one part left out. All pieces contribute and mold to make the beauty that is to grace its audience’s ears, stir inside them emotion, set the mood, change an atmosphere, or transport them to a far off place-- be that place present, past, or imagined.

Music is part of my life. I feel so attached to it and have for as long as I can remember. When my ears are fed music I feel as though I physiologically respond to it: The phrase begins to crescendo, my heart beats faster; a dissonant chord resolves, my body relaxes; a heavenly harmony sounds and my eyes close; my blood pumps in sync with the rhythm.

Not only body but mind reacts to this auditory stimulation. My head reels at the sound of a sweet violin, or a dark cello. I am inspired at the sound of a strong horn or the intensity of an organ. My heart sighs at the soft exhale of woodwinds. I am, body and mind, consumed by the irresistible poetry of the air.

On many days of this past semester I would spend endless hours at studying in the library. It was there the sweet sounds of orchestral works, or award winning soundtracks would accompany me as I worked. Too often would I find myself having to stop and simply close my eyes at the absolute delight of a specific song. Certain songs cannot simply be listened to, they must be experienced. In the library, I would, when I heard an especially affecting song, close my eyes and break from my work to bask in the heavenly art embodied in that tune.

Music is such a gift. I know it to be a divine one for how could something so beautiful and pure not stem from a higher power? The talent of nor passion for producing it is universal. Only a select few of the greats conceive such works as can be compared to perfection. And though not all attain this passion or talent all who seek it out may equally enjoy as the musicians paint their picture on the silence.

“Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.” ~Victor Hugo

Latest Favorites:

~Mendelssohn: Violin Concerto In E Minor, Op. 64 - 2. Andante

~ Mozart’s Adagio for Strings

~ Piano Concerto No.1 Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini

~ Elgar Cello Concerto in E Minor

~ A Boy and A Girl by Eric Whitacre

~Lux Aurumque by Eric Whitacre

~ Road to Perdition Soundtrack

~Becoming Jane Soundtrack

A befuddled muck of confusion

2009-05-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while back in this last semester and thought I might share it.... many of the questions and struggles posed within the text are still some I wrestle with and wonder about.

Life. What a small word with such an expansive meaning- or vast gamut of meanings- so many connotations and denotations. This word is unique to every being endowed with it. It is the fingerprint of each person’s existence. No finger print the same.

Life shapes us. Life creates. It is indication that a being is breathing, living, changing, growing, surviving. It distinguishes the organic from the inorganic, existence from the nonexistent, animation from the inanimate, liveliness from the lifeless. At least those are the denotative definitions we have to explain life. In many ways those would be easy to stick with. Some times I wish I could understand life in a sentence or two as the dictionary explains it so.

Life, in it’s many facets, has become hazy and unclear to me of late. I try to reason as to why this has become so but I can’t seem to put my finger on it. Is it because I have been thrust out of my comfort zone? Weaned away from my parent’s care? Then, if this is so, do I deny my own ability, in growth, to spurn question and thought? Is it just experience that creates growth in me? Or is it my own intellect that drives my cognitive expansion? The things I stumble upon and wonder- are they product of me or my environment? That is the first step to understanding how I come to this befuddled muck of confusion. I land in this scary place where I feel that my grounding and control I had in life is lost. Like the completed puzzle has just been undone and I’m left to figure out how to put it’s millions of pieces back in place again. Sometimes it feels like I am in a vortex- life speeding past me but I have no control over the direction I fall. I just fall and that’s it. At first the falling is frightening but after a bit it’s more of a hassle than a fear.

This is the place where I feel stuck- or maybe it is a place where I feel as though I am standing still and life is just happening around me. But I know I am not standing still. I continue and thrive. But what is thriving? What causes me to thrive? I go through the day’s motions- check things off my to-do list but is that where I draw my satisfaction? I would say not. Relationship is where I draw my satisfaction. Though an introvert, I find company is what spins my wheels, pumps me up, makes me remember I am loved, and gives me positive outlook.

Relationship, though, is a thick, complexly beautiful branch on the tree of life. What can relationship be defined as? I move to say that each person has his or her own definition. One woman can say that she is in a relationship with the husband that beats her. A man can say he has a relationship with his son from a divorce to whom he sends gifts but never visits. A married couple of 40 years can proclaim that they are in a solid relationship. Of these examples, I may not agree with all but to each specific person, that connection with their other is that individual’s own definition of relationship. Each life that a person has lived will define their expectations, values, understanding, and qualities desired in relationship. No individual beyond ones own realm of influence should define what that individual’s relationships should look like or how they should carry out their life- unless their lives breach upon the safety of another’s life. No matter, this is where life is a fingerprint.

Then I ask myself this: if I agree or disagree with these different interpretations of relationship- if I take and reject thought from each definition- then what is my own? I wonder to myself sometimes if I will ever truly know this. At points I feel as though I have a blueprint laid out for each different relationship situation I may encounter but then again, once placed in context, this blueprint molds to the specific relationship. For example: I know I want specific qualities in a man for a romantic relationship but why, in individual instances, do I pretend certain negative qualities don’t exist when highlighted positive ones out shine said undesired negative ones? My emotional-cognitive side takes over to the point where I shroud my perception of that man with my own, modified, sugarcoated view of him. This facade I create, based off of a model, becomes what I am so infatuated with and desire to see in that model- so much so that when the real man fails to meet my façade’s qualities I become disappointed (This is why I feel God holds no expectations of us). These imagined, concocted expectations drive the later, inevitable disappointment I so often deal with after the end of a romantic relationship. It’s the same circular trap.

I battle over and over with myself on this. Do I become so objective to the situation that I suppress my innate instincts to let something flow and sparks to fly and all that jazz? Will a heart ever be truly guarded in a dating or other situation to the point where breaking up or ending things leaves no sting? I try for this with all my power. At least I want it that bad. For the sting and hurt after the end of a relationship throbs so bad that it is discouraging ever to invest oneself that amount again. Yet chemicals react and my mind pushes me even so once another opportunity arises. My heart hopes this time that it won’t be broken but moves on in, nonetheless, bracing itself as it enters. I fear it become battle worn- used to the blows, the ends, the hurt. I fear it become cold and accustomed to defeat. That vicious cycle of beating faster yet again, enjoying it’s freedom until alas it beats for nothing and returns to its slow, monotonous pulse. I pray for the day when I can comfort my heart to know it is safe to flutter. Oh, but then my mind constantly pulls at me to not await that day lest it become too anticipatory for it.

And it is here I hit the wall. I can no longer figure it out. I am such a complex mess with mind and heart at close disconnect.

Number 1

2009-05-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

So blogging.... never thought I would get into this but too many thoughts swirl around in my head to not have an outlet for them with out finding that I might go a bit crazy. I suppose, in all honesty, I am slightly intimidated by blogs. Those whose blogs I have previously read and continue to follow normally have very deep, philosophical things to say. It is scary going up against that standard with my new, meager blog. Nonetheless, I hope to, in the same way, provide my own insight to the world. Maybe a lot of this blog is for my own personal release but it is my hope that others may get something out of it as well.

"A Genesis" is the name I found most fit for my particular blog because, of late, genesis is the best descriptor of my life. I suppose, initially, many would think of the first book of the bible when they see the word genesis. Though similar, my intentions with this title, however, vary from this denotative definition to a connotative one- a coming into being. Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary defines the term genesis as such, " the process or mode of originating; production; formation; origination."

Over this past year I notice how I have changed. I have finished with my physical growth and begun on the journey of tedious and intricate mental growth. Much of this, I feel, was due to (speaking of change) my first year in college. The first few weeks, admittedly, felt like summer camp but once that facade fell away, it was as if life had just begun. I had never felt the weight of responsibility in the way that I did during that first semester (okay, AND second semester). I was on my own- blazing my own trail. There were times I can specifically recall when I thought the floor had fallen out beneath me. This feeling struck me as odd because I hadn't ever been babied or overly guarded before college, in fact, I enjoyed a proper amount of freedom. Whatever the cause or reason may be, I still felt unearthed, poorly grounded, and rather free floating. At times, this was especially unnerving and at others I thought nothing of it. To this day I am still finding that grounding but I know I won't find the same grounding that was my foundation before. It is time to rebuild. I am in the process of this "construction" currently but feel as though I am, at least, nearer to the ground than before. It has been quite a trek and through these last two semesters I have learned much outside of my scholastic education (and much inside it).

This year has been one for the books. I am a different girl/woman than the one that was dropped off at the door step of Rice in August of 2008. I stood, this morning, on that same door step. I stood there just like I had stood two semesters before. But this morning the evolved me realized how it had morphed. I stood there, yet again, ready to embark on another part of life. My mind cannot begin to comprehend the wonders of time and experience. I could not have stood there, waiting to leave, and guessed, even remotely close, at who I will be the next time I stand on another door step or wait to leave one. With each open door and each closed one I finish and begin a chapter of a story that is to be my life.

I remain completely mind boggled at the thought of what time and experience will continue to do. I sit here writing my first blog and who knows what mind will be behind this screen come next year? and the next? Is it not amazing? Scary and exciting. Comfortable and uncomfortable. All continually new and all completely inevitable. A genesis.