Can I please stop thinking about relationships? I feel like it is a requirement for the brain to constantly have relationships, the opposite sex, and love bobbing around in it if one is single. It’s annoying! Why must I desire intimacy, care, love, and someone who sees me for who I am from a man? What happened to “I don’t need a man” “No one should complete you but you” and “Be whole before you become the other half”. Extremely cliché, might I add, but agreeable. In spite of all of these adages, I still feel like I need (or at least want) a man, I desire he who would cure this occasional loneliness, and I feel that the aching, persistently known place will continue to throb without him. “The resolution is sweeter after difficulty”. Okay, it’s difficult! Now where is the resolution?
I am tired of bitching about this, taxed by feeling hopeless thinking no relationship will come, and annoyed by being unable to be thoroughly, through and through happy for friends who are in amazing relationships without having the slightest wisp of jealousy and envy for what they have. I want to be happy with life right now, be it with or without a guy. I want to forget about focusing on a relationship and remember what beautiful friendships I have; be able to admire the unique people around me, get to know them, and have fun!
No more dressing up in the hopes a guy will notice me. No more feeling less beautiful if I don’t wear makeup. No more caring about putting up a front or being overly poised in front of guys. No more chasing, no more sky high hopes, no more relishing stupid moments. Can I really do this? I want to dress up because I want to and like the outfit. I want to embrace and love myself for who I am. I want more of being myself; more learning from life and paying more attention to it; more investing in friendships; more focus on what I have rather than what I don’t- the blessings I have been given rather than the prayers that are yet unanswered.
Aren’t there better things to pray for? Why am I so concerned about relationships, men, what have you, when children are praying for a meal to fill their stomachs for at least one fourth of the upcoming day; when they are praying for their little brother not to die of a common cold when they can't afford the remedy; when couples are praying that their relationship holds on; when children are praying that their mommy doesn’t go unconscious this time when daddy hits her; when people are loosing their jobs and wondering how they will scrape by; when parents are praying that the lab results tell them their four year old doesn’t have cancer? If so much more is going on the world, why the hell am I bitching? Because it means something to me? No, because I am an egocentric, self-fulfilling human. Looking out for my own needs; inflating my concerns; forgetting the plight of others that far exceed my own; being selfish. I am human. I forget that I have such a narrow perspective, I strive for that companionship, I want to be accepted. Am I alone in this? Please tell me I am not.
