Can I please stop thinking about relationships? I feel like it is a requirement for the brain to constantly have relationships, the opposite sex, and love bobbing around in it if one is single. It’s annoying! Why must I desire intimacy, care, love, and someone who sees me for who I am from a man? What happened to “I don’t need a man” “No one should complete you but you” and “Be whole before you become the other half”. Extremely cliché, might I add, but agreeable. In spite of all of these adages, I still feel like I need (or at least want) a man, I desire he who would cure this occasional loneliness, and I feel that the aching, persistently known place will continue to throb without him. “The resolution is sweeter after difficulty”. Okay, it’s difficult! Now where is the resolution?
I am tired of bitching about this, taxed by feeling hopeless thinking no relationship will come, and annoyed by being unable to be thoroughly, through and through happy for friends who are in amazing relationships without having the slightest wisp of jealousy and envy for what they have. I want to be happy with life right now, be it with or without a guy. I want to forget about focusing on a relationship and remember what beautiful friendships I have; be able to admire the unique people around me, get to know them, and have fun!
No more dressing up in the hopes a guy will notice me. No more feeling less beautiful if I don’t wear makeup. No more caring about putting up a front or being overly poised in front of guys. No more chasing, no more sky high hopes, no more relishing stupid moments. Can I really do this? I want to dress up because I want to and like the outfit. I want to embrace and love myself for who I am. I want more of being myself; more learning from life and paying more attention to it; more investing in friendships; more focus on what I have rather than what I don’t- the blessings I have been given rather than the prayers that are yet unanswered.
Aren’t there better things to pray for? Why am I so concerned about relationships, men, what have you, when children are praying for a meal to fill their stomachs for at least one fourth of the upcoming day; when they are praying for their little brother not to die of a common cold when they can't afford the remedy; when couples are praying that their relationship holds on; when children are praying that their mommy doesn’t go unconscious this time when daddy hits her; when people are loosing their jobs and wondering how they will scrape by; when parents are praying that the lab results tell them their four year old doesn’t have cancer? If so much more is going on the world, why the hell am I bitching? Because it means something to me? No, because I am an egocentric, self-fulfilling human. Looking out for my own needs; inflating my concerns; forgetting the plight of others that far exceed my own; being selfish. I am human. I forget that I have such a narrow perspective, I strive for that companionship, I want to be accepted. Am I alone in this? Please tell me I am not.
you're not.
ReplyDeleteWho is J?!?! Jared? I mean... Jordan?
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly not alone and I don't know whether what I'm about to say is going to be comforting or frustrating but you can't dismiss your desire because you feel like a child dying in a faraway land or a physically abused wife's needs are greater than yours.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you can help others around you if you don't address your concerns first, and it's not selfish at all. I've always been little Miss. Independent but I want a man sometimes too. I've never understood why we're all seeking attention and love from the other sex but I don't think it's horrible of us to want "the other" half.
So no, you are not alone. As for all that unhappiness and fear you wrote about in your last paragraph, I wish God showed his compassionate side more often.
I feel like there is a level of balance between dressing to impress and being comfy that every person should eventually find. I think the real answer is kashmir. It is extremely comfortable and it always looks nice. But then you have another problem: it's very expensive. This is where I turn to black denim. Black denim, if you find the right cut, can fit extraordinarily well because it has a stretchier denim than the normal blue denim. Don't ask me why. It's merely science.
ReplyDeleteSo, if you can afford kashmir sweaters .. I say go for it! If not ... black denim pants, moccasins, and a t-shirt with something ironically 90's on it. Everyone will be impressed and you will be comfy and happy in your own skin.
Thank you, goodnight.
Amrutha, I enjoyed your insight and comments very much. I would agree that one can not dismiss their own concerns for so long, sometimes I just get so annoyed with my own concerns that for a time I want to forget them. I like to keep a bigger perspective when I make my concerns bigger than they should be. But beyond this, thank you for you response and following my writing in the first place. You are very insightful :)
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I will take this into serious consideration! Hahaha. You crack me up.
Also, thanks to Amrutha's infinite wisdom, I now know that the fabric is spelled cashmere. The way I spelled it above (due to my love of the Led Zeppelin song of same name) is the name of an Indian state that was destroyed.
ReplyDelete"Destroyed" because Pakistan and India can't solve an issue without exploding bombs on innocent individuals and fabulous apple orchards or destroyed because of a spelling mistake?
ReplyDeleteOn a more random note, we need to make Cashmere more popular in AU. And ties.
Andrew, I need to listen to that song.