I have never been a wildly outspoken person. I struggle with the choice of speaking my mind or thinking about what might spill out of my mouth first. I am an introvert and a passive person so quick retorts/ witticisms/ thoughts/ words are rarely my forte. I am a thinker and a ponderer... things take time to process. This has, I felt for a while, been one of my downfalls- something I didn't like about myself. I wished I could be quicker to reveal to a costumer how small of a problem it was that their coffee had two sugars instead of three; I wish I would be quicker to speak the perfect words to help a friend in need; I wish I had the first answer to the controversial question in liberal arts class; I wish I knew what to say when confronted about my faith... but I don't operate that way.
A lot of the time I wish I would be more honest with myself, I wish I would say what I felt, and wish I would just follow my instincts. My fear of doing these things elevates especially with those whom I care for. I hate hurting others but my dishonesty with myself, inability to go with my instincts, perpetual habit of shrugging things off, and unmoving lips run me to unintentionally hurt others anyways... the words I yearn to say to that person come too late and after being long bottled up.
But that is the way things have happened. I cannot turn back the time nor change what is engraved forever in history. Part of me regrets the turn of things, but another part does not. I have come to embrace my slow, pondering ways. Where would things be if I spoke rashly? Quickly? In reaction? It was when I asked myself these questions that I came to cherish my cool head and contemplative mind. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I knew that things could have been a lot worse if I were to loose my head as well. I did the right thing.
I will say again, I don’t like keeping unsaid things in. I don’t like that I didn’t speak on other matters in better time. I don’t like that the communication slackened. However, I vow not to live in regret because I would rather not be pulled down by it.
I have learned a lot in the past month or so. I have learned many things about relationship, about hurt and about myself. I have learned that humans don’t want to hear things that they don’t want to hear- they become deaf to the undesirable words the instant they hit their ears, denial their best friend. I have come to understand that in hard times, humans cling to the things they believe will help them survive even if, to the outside eye, these things are detrimental to the person. I have learned that hurt people don’t want to hurt and, thus, will hurt others so as not to do so alone. I have learned that the love of parents is something more valuable than any earthly prize or treasure- an unparalleled force, and an irreplaceable element in life, able to make or break it. The power of outward affection from a parent to a child is the lifeline for that child’s emotional stability in life. I learned that people’s adult relationships most often mirror relationships in their family or their relationships with their family.
I came to realize that I close my eyes to certain things. I understand that I should no longer bottle up emotion. I know now the beauty of open communication and honest relationships. I understand what I will allow myself to endure and what I choose not to. I have gained discernment for what comments are true and what I know to be cutting but empty words hiding another’s underlying lack of confidence. I have gained a confidence in myself and know that I am not what the world defines me as but that I am my own being- created by none but that which is the creator of all, fashioned only by his hand, and living under no other’s.
It saddens my heart whenever life throws complexity, hardship, or a disconnect from something that was a part of it. But out of hardship, and out of sadness life gives experience, wisdom and new understanding. With every new obstacle in life I am becoming anew, the person I am meant to be. I never wished for this to happen but feel like I wouldn’t be complete without what it taught me. I know that my frustration and trial have not passed in vain. Where one relationship passes new ones will blossom. I delight in my regained confidence, newfound knowledge, and the hope for a bright future. Thank you, father.
