There were always different classifications of kids in grade school. There was the popular crowd with the latest, coolest stuff, clad in the flashiest gear- well liked by teachers but scornfully envied by fellow students. Then, there were the rebelious, edgy kids- the stereotypical rock listening, head banging, pierced, black-clad students. In the middle were the every bodies, nothing special but not especially nothing. Finally, the nerdy crowd; the honor roll kids, those that passed every test no matter how hard or impossible it seemed. These kids were amazing at school but, typically, had few or no friends.
I always wondered, in elementary, middle, and high school about the nerds. I mean, they got perfect grades and I envied that so much. I felt a green monster creep into my mind every time I did poorly on a test and the straight A student next to me had a huge grin on their face at the paper in their hand. Granted, I was a social youth so the amount of effort put into studying or paying full attention in class wasn’t tip-top but I did do a good portion of preparing. However, I never could bring myself to devote all of my time after school to just do homework or study. There was too much fun to be had! Nevertheless, I always wondered what it would be like to get that A every time, and how gratifying it would be. Because of this last semester, I know what that is like. The sweetness of reward for hard work, jumping up and down because you did well, proudly revealing the good grades to your parents; I’ve done all of that and it was good… for a week.
The last month of second semester, my classes became my life. Those I saw were either in class, at lunch/dinner, passing by in the valley, or in the library. Music my only companion, I slaved to expand my brain even further in my work and studies. Oh, but the grades and merit did I reap. A victorious end to a rigorous semester. Merely a freshman in two upper classmen courses and six other normal level ones. I credit myself with pulling through somewhat unscathed. But oh, the victory is tainted. For joy cannot shine to its full when blemished by a sliver of the shadow cast by regret.
I feel for those nerdy kids I encountered in grade school because now I know what it is like. You know, maybe they are fine with loosing social time to get the grade, maybe that is what brings them life, being stuck to their books, but for me, it diminished life. It made me think, more than anything (no pun intended) about priority. When I was in the final weeks of school I learned a lot about priority. I learned that I should stay off facebook for a weeks at a time because otherwise I wouldn’t get what was important done. I learned that I should grab dinner on the go in order to eat it in the library so I could start on a paper at the same time. I learned that senior send-off, the speedway races, and other end-of- the-year activities were out of the question as long as I still had six finals and two papers in the following seven days.
Now, I have learned that you never get life back. You never get your freshman year of college back. You cannot turn back time and retake those moments you missed out on. You cannot joke about funny moments that you weren’t a part of. You can’t reminisce on events you didn’t go to. You cannot grow friendships if you didn’t put the time you "didn’t have" into them.
I know I won’t fondly muse about the hours I spent in the library, the days I practically saw no one, or the number of dinners and lunches I spent alone in a library cubicle. And in forethought, will I love the times I stay late at work, missing time with my husband, possibly kids? When will I ever love missing a soccer game? A school function? A music show? A birthday? An anniversary? I won’t. But too often in today’s world do people pull this stunt. I don’t want to live to work; I just want to work so I can live. It’s like waking up, feeling as though you have wasted or missed half of the day…. I woke up when I got home and felt as though I missed half of my freshman year.
Relationship has always been so important to me. I thrive on it. Without it I know I would cease to exist. This last semester, the second of my freshman year, has taught me many a thing but mainly this: one cannot hold themselves from company for community is what we all desire and need. The want for acceptance is universal and once accepted and loved, anything can go wrong but those who care for us can always hold us up. We need not support ourselves forever and rely on our own efforts to push us through for we are blessed with God’s gifts called friends, on earth for us to love and be loved by.
We all need love and I have learned that I shall not starve myself or others of it. For in the end it is what will carry me- not money or grades, material or earthly things. For these shall all perish. But that which cannot be torn, broken, diminished, forgotten, or effaced endures and that is the love of and care for those close to our hearts.
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